Life Changes

My life has changed drastically over the last few days. My hubby decided I should no longer work the part time that I am because I need to be home to care for the kids. This has been so hard for me. I only worked 2 half days a week but it was my time to get away, to dress up, to have adult interaction, to run the few errands I needed to on my way home and it provided mine and the littles insurance. So not working has been a major change... Its been hard. Its been an adjustment just the realization that now we really will have to count our pennies, that I won't get the breaks that I need/want and that we will now have to pay out of pocket for insurance.

So now that we are paying out of pocket for insurance I no longer have maternity insurance. I think the finality that right now and no where in the future do we see having any more children even a possiblity is very hard for me. Its sad. It makes me want to cry but I know thats just the way it has to be.

So I was thinking as I was gazing at my sweet little boys laying in bed. That had Hayden not come when he did (aka not planned) that he may never be here and no other children may ever be here. When I was five months pregnant My sales job had been sold so we got an enourmous pay cut, than my hubby asked me to not work, and now we don't have maternity insurance and could have never afforded it to even have another child. So what I am saying is that God knew that Hayden needed to come when he did or he would have never been part of this family. I love this little boy so much. I think it makes me so thankful because in the beginning I had so much guilt about having him about stealing Pierces childhood away b/c I was having another baby so close to his age. I felt guilty also because I felt I didn't deserve to have a healthy baby when on the same exact day that I found out that I was having a healthy perfect little baby my brother and sister in law were finding out that their precious baby girl had passed away in her womb from horrible chromosonal disorders at 20 weeks. I felt guilt more than I could ever express. I felt that I could not possibly love another child as much as I love Pierce. I just didn't think I could do it. I had these feelings up until even a few weeks after he was born. I dealt with some PPD and had such a hard time bonding with him. I loved Hayden but I wasn't "in love" with him like I was instantly with Pierce. But than the fog lifted my head cleared and I fell in love with this beautiful, harry headed little boy and I could not feel more blessed. I can't believe that if it had been MY choice I would not have had another child yet which would have possibly mean't I may have never had any more at all. Thank you Jesus for knowing more than I know. Thank you for knowing the future and knowing how our lives and financial stability would change. Thank you for knowing that I WOULD love Hayden more than I could ever imagine and that everytime I look at that huge gummy smile I just want to eat him up.

My life is beautiful it may not have gone exactly how I would have planned but it is beautiful and its my new life. Its a life where I am home with my kids where I am available not only to my kids but to my husband. I just pray that I can be an even better mom that I will find the outlets that I need to have adult interaction and that during the day when I want to rush around and need to get things done that I will STOP... hug my kids a little closer, go a little slower and just soak up EVERY single precious moment that I have with these boys. Before I know it they will be big strong tall boys who will be able to bear hug and lift their mommy off the ground. But until than I want to be the one to do the lifting, the tear wiping, the hugging the kissing, the praying and that thanking. For I am blessed. Blessed more than my wildest dreams and imaginations....